Only Human
by Amaroqwolf
Summary: The thoughts and feelings of One WWE Superstar. Featurs Jeff Hardy, Matt hardy, The Hurricane, Jericho, Shannon Moore and more. (Features character death)*~COMPLETED~*
1. Only Human Jeff

Title: My Thoughts. Author: Amaroqwolff82 Author's Notes: I wasn't depressed when I wrote this Surprisingly. Anything with in these ** Are his thoughts. Synopsis: The thoughts of One Jeff Hardy over several months. Author's Dedications: To My Three B's. Disclaimer: I own nothing, quite seriously if I owned anything I wouldn't be living with my Sister, in a Dorm room. With My Car over 3 hours away. So, yeah, I don't own anything!  
  
------ *I can't stand this anymore, the pain, the suffering, the betrayal. I don't know what to do, I feel as if I've jumped in headfirst and there's no way out. Oh, god I don't know what to do anymore. I've come to a point, a crossroads, In my life. I don't even know who I am anymore. They all show me one path, I want to break free of these restraints and go my way. I'm sick and tired of people telling me I'm not good enough. FUCK! Why not? I've worked hard all my life. I've struggled and clawed my way just like everyone else.*  
  
Jeff Hardy closed the notebook and looked down at the bright red cover. He reached up with one hand and ran it across his eyes to make sure he wasn't crying. He hadn't cried in years, and he didn't plan on starting it now so soon after loosing his brother to fame and fortune. His own brother had stabbed him in the back leaving him alone to fend for himself. He blinked rapidly and sighed shaking his head. Well he could fend for himself. He climbed to his feet and dropped the notebook into his bag; He looked at his face in the mirror. He couldn't think about that right now he had a match to fight. He pushed his hair out of his face and hurried out of the dressing room and outside. He walked down the hall past all the people who had once been his friends. But, in the last few months he had taken to staying away from them. It was just easier on him that way. He spied the person he was teaming with that night, and walked towards them and stood there waiting to be acknowledged.  
  
Jericho turned and spied Hardy and sighed. Everyone was worried about the kid but sense his brother had jumped ship to Smackdown there was no one who could get him to talk. He smiled reassuringly at Jeff.  
  
"You ready for this match?" He asked.  
  
Jeff nodded. "Yeah," he responded.  
  
Jericho sighed again and almost said something else but his music started and he had to go out. Jeff saw Jericho sigh and looked like he was going to say something then he had turned his back and left. Jeff had gotten used to all that sense his brother had left. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath and then prepared to bounce down the ramp as his music started.  
  
*I can't take this Pain anymore, The words running through my veins pushing me to keep going, am I not good enough? Can't I do just as good as the rest of them? I've been around the block a time or two. I'm not fun loving and as easy going as they all make me out to be. God Damn it why can't they hear the screaming inside? *  
  
Jeff walked silently into his hotel room ready to just go to sleep, to be alone again. He was so used to being alone. He walked into the bathroom and stood looking at himself in the mirror. He felt something breaking inside and he wanted to end the pain. He stood looking silently at the razor only inches from his hand. He began shaking in desperation wanting to have someone come in and hold him close to tell him it would be okay. To tell him there was nothing to worry about. But, no that person was gone. He felt his chest tightening around his lungs making it hard to breathe. He swallowed trying not to cry. He couldn't cry he wasn't a child anymore he no longer needed to cry. He stared hard at the sink trying to ignore the sharp blade that could end all this suffering in his head. Make it all stop hurting. He yanked his hand away in horror and turned from the bathroom. Only to stop and turn and stare into his own eyes. They were so dark and haunted. What had happened to him? What was making him act this way? He closed his eyes and lowered his head and left the bathroom unable to even think about being in near the temptation of release from death. He slipped silently into the bedroom part of the hotel room and curled up on the bed, wrapping himself in the pillow and blanket never wanting to come out again. He was alone in this world and would be alone in the next.  
  
*I can't take this betrayal. I've followed them watched them listened to them, learned from them. But they all just take me for granted. "Ha!" What would they do with out me? I bet they wouldn't even realize I was even gone. Would they? Oh, god please tells me, would they even know or acknowledge I was gone? * He sat silently on the edge of the roof looking down. No he didn't have the guts to jump. No not that brave. Hell he jumped off the top rope once a night. He closed his eyes allowing the cool wind to buffet his body and push him away from the edge. No, that wasn't how he planed to do it anyway. No.the Razor in the bathroom. The one he had kept sense that night. Sense this horrible thought had been forming in his head. He turned and headed for the door only to run into his child hood friend. Gregory helms,  
  
"Hey," Helms said trying to look in his friends eyes to see if he could figure out what was bothering his chum.  
  
Jeff just nodded his head and tried to slip around Helms. Helms grabbed his arm and pulled him back looking at him studying him. "Jeff if you need to talk I'm here." He said.  
  
A beam of pure undying light burned its way down into Jeff's soul. It gave him a moment of hope thinking that perhaps someone did care. When he looked up though he saw Helms looked distracted by something. Jeff shook his head the light fading as he lost his gentle grip on reality again. "No, I'm okay." He said  
  
He shrugged his friend's hand off and walked through the door to go back inside. To go to his room and down to his fate. A fate he had been planning for way to long. He stepped into the cool dark room of his hotel and slowly sat down on the bed. He picked up first his cell phone and dialed his brother's number. As sad and alone as he had become he still couldn't leave without saying goodbye.  
  
"Hello?" His brother's voice said in his ear.  
  
Jeff closed his eyes holding the phone tightly. He felt a warm wetness streak down his cheek from his eyes. He had to say it. He had to tell Matt. "Ma-" he sobbed softly unable to say it.  
  
"Jeff?" Came the gentle query. "What's going on Jeff?"  
  
"I don't want to go Matt." Jeff sobbed into the phone. "I don't want to go but I have to." He whispered shaking uncontrollably. "I have to go Matt."  
  
"Go where Jeff?" Matt asked frightened by his brother's sobbing. "Jeffy talk to me--where are you going."  
  
"I'm going to go away." He whispered in response. "I'm going to go away and not come back." He paused. "No more pain--no more suffering." He choked down another sob. "I just wanted to say.I just wanted to say.Goodbye." He whispered barley able to breathe and he hung up the phone.  
  
Jeff looked down at the Razor sitting so deadly still on the bedside table. He slowly picked it up and studied the shining blade. He drew it across his thumb and hissed in pain. He closed his eye tears leaking out again and he placed the blade to his wrist and pulled. He opened his eyes again and stared at the red blood welling from the cut he had made. He took the Razor blade in his other hand and gazed at it for a second. Then slowly placed it to his other wrist and ripped it across the flesh on that wrist. He couldn't stand it any longer. He fell back on the bed and lay there waiting for it to all ends.  
  
*God I can't do this anymore-every day is even more painful then the last. They when they see me they whisper. They all know what I've done. But I only did it to silence the screaming inside. I only did it to make the pain more real. For you all, I did this so you can see I'm not here just for your amusement. God damn it why can't you see that. Why is it that all you see is a clown? Someone to make you laugh. Well, fuck! Even clowns feel sadness and pain. I mean Fuck, even Clowns cry. *  
  
Jeff walked beside his brother trying to ignore those staring eyes. His wrists had sense heeled but they hurt still. Every once in awhile tears would just spring up in Jeff's eyes and he wouldn't be able to go on till the attack ended. He wasn't mentally stable or sound. And everyone knew it. It so much to know that what he had done may have ended his pain if he had seceded. But, it would have caused so much pain for all those he cared about. Again tears sprang into his Aqua blue eyes and he froze in step. His brother moved quickly to his side as he watched his younger brother racked by painful sobs.  
  
It was odd watching his brother cry. Matt hadn't seen or heard his brother cry sense there mother had passed away. His brother had locked away all his emotions to protect himself from pain. But, in doing so he had hurt him more then helped him. Matt wrapped his arms around his brother holding him letting him cry.  
  
"Its all right Jeffy." He whispered smoothing his brother's hair.  
  
Jeff huddled against his brother his bony shoulders heaving with his body racking sobs. "I'm so sorry Matt." He whispered around the sobs. "I didn't want to hurt you or anyone else." He whispered tears soaking into his brothers black T-shirt. "I'm so sorry."  
  
"I know Jeffy, I know." Matt said soothingly still rubbing his brother's back. "I'm here for you Jeff I'm always here for you."  
  
Jeff continued crying slowly regaining control of himself. Matt stood there patiently the whole time staying with him and holding him close telling him that he was there for him.  
  
*I'm more then just someone who is there for you, I'm begging for help and you just-you just turn your back and walk away. You left me, and never even though nothing of it. God, Damn it I'm only human, Only human, God I'm only human.* 


	2. Only Human Matt

Title: Only human 2 Author: Amaroqwolf82 Synopsis: Matt Hardy thinks about his Brother's attempted Suicide. And wonders was it his fault? Authors Note: I'm still not depressed, I'm just in a weird mood. Anything in these ** are Thoughts. Authors Dedication: To My Friend Barbara, you have to remember who your true friends are. And as always to my Three B's.  
  
------ *I watched him laying there lost to the world his hazel eyes which were usually so full of life, and happy sparkling with the mirth that is life. It wasn't there though there was just a dark haunted look in his eyes. I would have never left him alone if I had known what it would do to his fragile soul. God, what have I done to my Little brother. I promised mom I would protect him keep him safe from the pain that was the world. But, No I had to be too concerned with making it on my own. I didn't even think about it. How many times did they tell me, yo something's wrong with your brother. And I didn't listen. God why didn't I listen. When he had called me, sobbing crying telling me he was going away and never coming back I was scared shitless. I hadn't seen him cry sense I was 16 and he was 14. Damn it I should of known he would do something like this.I should of known. *  
  
Matt Hardy sat silently looking at his sleeping brother. He had hurried here as soon as Helms had told him what had happened to him. Twice sense he had come back his brother had broken down crying. Begging Matt to just leave him alone. But, He wasn't going to. He slowly reached out and touched his brother's shoulder to wake him up.  
  
"Jeffy." He said softly.  
  
Jeff stirred and opened his eyes they were devoid of life and emotion "What?" He asked softly.  
  
"Come on and eat bro." Matt said looking in concern at his brother.  
  
Jeff sighed and slowly sat up looking thinner then he had in the last week. He was barely eating and was rapidly loosing weight. He slowly stood up standing there in just his boxer. He looked totally miserable. "Alright." He said.  
  
Matt Handed his brother a sweat shirt and jeans. He watched as he slowly dressed himself then slunk downstairs. It appeared he was avoiding the sunlight. Matt followed him downstairs and watched his brother again silent as he ate the luke warm pizza that had been delivered an hour ago.  
  
*I'm worried sick, even with me here to talk to he won't open up. He won't tell me what's killing him inside. I want to help him so much, so bad it hurts to see it eating him up inside. Every minute whatever it was his soul is being slowly extinguished. I can't stand this anymore I can't watch my brother slowly kill himself. God what do I fucking do? What do I fucking DO? TELL ME? God, I can't take this I want to fucking help him but if he won't let me I can't help him. When I first brought him home from the hospitable he cried to me he clung to me. He wanted my help. God Damn it then he shut himself off again. Just like he did all those years ago.after Mom. God, what do I do? I can't fucking watch him slowly kill himself. I don't know what to do. I just don't know what to do! *  
  
Matt woke up to the sound of a door slamming shut. He jerked up right and yanked on his sweat pants. He padded down the stairs and looked around.  
  
"Jeff?" He called into the darkness.  
  
He headed towards the front door hoping to god that, it wasn't the door he had heard opening and shutting. He reached it and saw that the door was unlocked. He yanked it open and stepped out into the howling wind.  
  
"JEFF!" He screamed at the top of his lungs. "JEFF!"  
  
He rushed off the porch trying to think. If he was suicidal where would he go. He stood there thinking trying to remember. God, where would he go if he wanted to kill himself? He froze and looked up over the roof of the house. The woods, the deck, Oh God no! Matt ran, he ran for all he was worth he had to make it in time. He just had to. He ran his breathing coming heavier. He broke from the trees and stopped his eyes wide as he saw Jeff standing on the deck facing out towards the ravine.  
  
"Jeff?" Matt said gently walking slowly closer.  
  
Jeff turned his head and looked at his brother silently. His green and red hair whipped in his face.  
  
"Why did you die it green?"  
  
"Christmas is coming."  
  
"Oh,"  
  
Matt blinked back tears rapidly. "Jeff come on lets talk about it." He whispered.  
  
Jeff shook his head and looked again out into the ravine seeming to study the ground. "Nothing to talk about Matt."  
  
"There's lot to talk about Jeffy come on down here please?" Matt pleaded with his younger brother. "Please come down here." He whispered.  
  
Jeff turned and looked back the look in his eyes froze Matt to his very core. "No, Matt, its time for me to go." He whispered. There were no tears this time just death cold unfeeling death.  
  
"Jeff, no it's not time for you to go." He said loudly trying to keep his brother's attention. "We need you Jeff!"  
  
Jeff shook his head and Matt almost let a sigh of relief escape his lips as he saw the silver glow on his brothers face marking tears. "No, you don't need me." He whispered. "No one needs me." He sobbed his body shaking.  
  
He turned back and looked out into the rocks looking like he was going to toss himself forth but his hands tightened on the railing his knuckles white as if he was fighting a battle with in himself. Trying to keep from falling. Falling into that dark abyss that was screaming to him calling his name ever so temptingly. Matt watched him watched his brother fight for his mind, his soul. He wanted to run forward and wrap his arms around Jeff and hold him close.  
  
Matt continued watching trying to decide what to say to convince his brother not to let go. He could see the white of his brother knuckles turning red from the pressure of holding onto the railing. Jeff suddenly gasped for air and doubled over and slumped down towards the ground. Matt moved forward and kneeled next to his brother and pulled him close rocking him gently. "Its alright Jeffy," He whispered holding him close.  
  
"Matt," He whispered softly.  
  
"Yes, Jeff?" He responded in kind.  
  
"I'm only human." Said softly tears once again soaking into his brother shirt.  
  
Matt held his brother soothing him, rubbing his back and smoothing his hair. "It's going to be okay, Jeff." He took a deep breath. "Everything will be okay."  
  
Matt slowly helped his brother to his feet and gently led him down the path back to the house. He had to get his brother away from that deadly place that seemed to be calling his name. He jerked to a stop as his brother stopped and looked back towards the railing.  
  
"Come on Jeff," Matt urged gently. "Lets go back to the house, I'll fix us something to eat."  
  
Jeff remained where he was staring silently at the railing only inches away. Matt urged him on again trying to pull him away from the railing.  
  
Jeff shrugged his hands off and moved towards the railing again. Matt watched him silently not sure what his brother was going to do again. He licked his lips. "Jeff?"  
  
"You know, the Day before all this started, when you attacked me on RAW, I was up here," he whispered.  
  
"I didn't know that." Matt said hoping to sooth his brother away from the ledge.  
  
Jeff nodded looking down at his hands on the railing. "I knew even then that my time on earth was growing short."  
  
"Jeffy what are you talking about?" Matt asked swallowing softly.  
  
"Its time for me to go Matt." He said calmly tears leaking from his eyes again.  
  
"Jeffy no, you don't have to go." He whispered stepping forward.  
  
Jeff turned and looked at him then nodded. "Yes, I have to go.I don't belong here anymore."  
  
"Jeff NO!" He cried out.  
  
Jeff smiled weakly then closed his eyes and hopped up onto the railing sitting on it silently. "Goodbye Matt." He whispered tears still leaking down his cheeks.  
  
"NO Jeff please don't do this!" Matt hurried forward but everything was moving in slow motion. The wind whipped up and buffeted his body, throwing his hair into his face. Matt reached the railing grabbing at Jeff. His hair was whipping upwards and his eyes opened and Matt saw something there for a moment that broke his heart.  
  
Hope, pain, expectance, freedom.  
  
Matt stepped back and slumped down pain burning in his chest it hurt to breath. He couldn't breath. He felt sick. He slowly struggled to his feet. "JEFF!" He screamed into the darkness. "JEFF!"  
  
* I watched him fall, and I couldn't catch him. It happened to fast I couldn't catch him. It was over to fast.he's gone. And still the last words that tick in my brain. The words he said to me before he left. Before he went over the edge. "I'm only human." God why did I fuck up so bad. They never found his body. They couldn't even get down there till the next morning. They never found anything even showing he had fallen there. God why did I fuck up so bad. Why did I chase my brother away? God I hate myself. I've lost everything and everyone whose ever meant anything to me. He was only human.only human. * 


	3. Only Human Shannon

Title: Only Human Author: Amaroqwolf82 Synopsis: Jeff closest friend remembers him, and wonder is he really gone. (Features Jeff Hardy, Matt hardy, The Hurricane, Chris Jericho, and Shannon Moore. (Discusses suicide and violence to a Character.) Rating R for Violence and discussion of suicide. Authors Notes: Again, thank you to those answering my questions about depression and all. I've been depressed but I haven't been on medication for it in years. So I had to find out what the latest shit it. And as always ** Indicate Thoughts! Authors Dedications: To Quricket, my Friend from home. And to Barbara always know who you are, and as always, to my three B's!  
*I've been watching him now for closing in on three weeks. He's been quite loosing weight. It's not good for him to be like this. Our boss and his family begged me to watch him to make sure he didn't try to follow his brother into that darkness that had claimed him so long ago. He's my best friend and I worry about what he might try to do to himself. So, I won't leave his side and I'll continue to keep an eye on him. Sometimes I catch him up in his brother's room looking at things. He'll turn and look at me and say with hope in his eyes. "He isn't dead can feel it." That scares me. It scares me so much to know that he continues thinking just because they never found the body that he isn't dead. No one even He couldn't have survived that fall. After all he is only human*  
  
Shannon Moore looked up from where he was writing in the notebook to see Matt standing there looking at him with an odd look on his face. "Hey," he said.  
  
Matt smiled slightly. "Jeff used to do that." He said.  
  
Shannon looked confused. "Used to do what?" He asked.  
  
"Write in notebooks." Matt responded smiling fondly as he thought of his younger brother.  
  
Shannon nodded remembering that the younger Hardy had always been writing. He wasn't like your typical wrestler. He couldn't even bring himself to speak about Jeff just yet he could still see the hurt in his friends face when he mentioned Jeff by name.  
  
"You want something to eat Matt?" Shannon asked hoping to get his friend to eat.  
  
Matt looked at Shannon silently for a minute he must have seen the hope on his face or something because he nodded his ascension.  
  
Shannon smiled and stood up and started making some sandwiches.  
  
** Its been so cold here this last week or so, he's secluded himself upstairs in his room. I guess that's okay; at least he's eating now. I've taken to going for short walks in the afternoon while he's sleeping. It's just been a reprieve to get away from those emotions whirling around the house. Depression was the major one. I'm usually a happy person, I miss Jeff hell, I honestly can't believe Jeff did that, but I don't cling to memories of dead people. Its just not who I am. **  
  
Shannon was walking silently about the property; he found his feet on a path that led up into the woods behind the house and to a ravine. He knew were he was and it bugged him a little. He stepped out of the trees into the small clearing where the deck sat and froze. There standing at the railing was a man. He couldn't see much because the Man was wearing a hooded shit.  
  
"Hello?" Shannon said nervously.  
  
The man seemed to Stiffen and then he slowly turned around. Shannon squinted he still couldn't see the mans face. "Who are you?" He asked.  
  
The man looked around he seemed almost nervous. He then slowly pushed back the hood on his sweatshirt revealing his face. Shannon stared in shock his mouth hanging open. His mouth opened and shut rapidly like a fish out of water.  
  
"J-- J Jeff?" He finally stammered out.  
  
Jeff smiled nervously. "Hi Shannon."  
  
"Are you a ghost?" Shannon blurted out ready to run if the specter he was seeing was indeed a ghost.  
  
"No," Jeff shook his head. "I'm very much alive, a little cold but Alive."  
  
"What, happened?" Shannon said.  
  
" I went wandering thought about some stuff." Jeff said silently looking down at his feet.  
  
Shannon blinked. "You you've been alive all this time?" He stammered.  
  
Jeff nodded. "Yeah, how's Matt?" He asked.  
  
Shannon didn't know weather to Hug Jeff or to punch him. "He's been horrible sense you, well sense you pretended to die!" He nearly screamed.  
  
Jeff bit his lip nervously and sighed softly. "I'm sorry," He whispered looking down. " I didn't mean to hurt anyone."  
  
"WELL YOU DID!" Shannon snapped stepping towards Jeff he still sure what he was gonna do. And by the way Jeff was looking it didn't look like the younger Hardy was gonna stop him. Shannon hugged him tightly. "I can't believe it! Its like to good to be true!"  
  
Jeff smiled and hugged Shannon back gently. "Yeah, I planned this after that first attempt, I knew I needed to get away and clear my head of all this stuff."  
  
Shannon nodded in understanding. "Come on lets get you down to the house, Matt will be ecstatic to see you!"  
  
Jeff didn't resist the tugging on his wrist he just followed Shannon down to the house. He knew Matt would be pissed, but he was hoping the happiness at him still being alive would make that a little less.  
  
Shannon dragged Jeff into the house and told him to sit down then vanished upstairs. Several silent minutes passed and then Matt appeared in the doorway his eyes were wide in shock. "I knew you weren't dead!" He said softly.  
  
Jeff smiled nervously. "Yeah, I uh just needed some time to myself that you guys wouldn't give me." He whispered softly. "Ya think Vince will give me my job back?"  
  
Matt laughed and walked over and hugged his brother. "Even if he don't it don't matter your back!" He said hugging him tightly. "You're alive and not dead!"  
  
The end.  
A/N: I suck can't even give an unhappy ending I just can't do it. Maybe someday, eventually. But I can't yet. Dose this fic suck or what now? (Sighs)  
  
And too my Reviewers:  
  
Jade and Lexi: Thanks you make me feel so great, I'm glad that my fic moved you to the point of tears. Yay, I mean I don't condone all this but I've just been in a weird mood lately.  
  
Babs: YAY another crier.(giggles) I'm glad you liked it.  
  
Cari: I'm posting your thanks Personally, Thanks Cari you make me feel so great saying you liked this fic. And the Review was awesome. It made me feel like I could go on writing. I guess my Serious Fics have gotten better. YAY!  
  
LOL: Here's chapter three didn't even plan for a chapter two. And who Said Jeff was dead. 


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